Libido and the Menopause – 7 Steps to Reclaiming Your Sex Drive

Many people don’t realise that libido and the menopause are strongly linked until they reach perimenopause itself. While it’s not a guaranteed symptom for everyone, a huge proportion of women struggle with sex drive. While a small number find their libido increases, the majority see a drastic decline.

But why does this happen? Why is the libido and menopause working together to create trouble? And, most importantly, what can you do about a decreased sex drive to feel good again?

Let’s dive right in.

Understanding libido

Before we look at the connection between libido and menopause, let’s first clarify what libido means.

“Libido” is another term for sexual desire and sex drive. This is controlled by the brain and it’s usually responsible for the moments we think about sex and behave in a sexually driven manner.

So, what are the physical symptoms of sexual arousal? These physical signs occur when we experience desire, which can include:

• An increase of your heart rate, rapid breathing and higher blood pressure
• Increased blood flow to the genitals
• Increased vaginal lubrication
• The vulva will swell

It’s important to remember that sexual desire and arousal aren’t synonymous. When it comes to libido and menopause, you may discover that your levels of desire – or your sex drive – does decrease, but the signs of your desire do not.

How is libido and the menopause connected?

Many people believe libido and the menopause aren’t truly connected. In that, they mean that it’s the symptoms caused by perimenopause and menopause that has “put them off” having sex.

In actuality, though, libido and menopause is directly linked. The symptoms absolutely do have an impact, but it’s more direct than that.

As your oestrogen levels decline, so can your vaginal blood flow. As a result, you’re left with very uncomfortable vaginal dryness and an itchy vulva. This, in turn, makes sex more uncomfortable and – in some cases – even painful. Of course, this will impair arousal and make it difficult to reach orgasm. Over time, this can absolutely reduce sexual desire.

So, while symptoms like hot flashes and mood swings can contribute towards changes in sex drive, it’s clear that libido and the menopause are far more directly linked.

How does libido change during menopause?

Menopause and perimenopause can hugely impact the libido, mainly due to the falling oestrogen and testosterone levels.

As this happens, vaginal dryness and discomfort can occur. This can range in severity, from a little bit uncomfortable and annoying to completely debilitating.

Let’s take a look at the in’s and out’s and explore how libido and the menopause influence one another.

A change in hormones

When oestrogen and testosterone levels drop in perimenopause and menopause, your vaginal tissue thins out and loses its elasticity.

When this happens, it’s common to suffer with vaginal dryness and for intercourse (or any other form of penetration) to become uncomfortable or painful.

Testosterone, in particular, plays a huge role in libido, so when it declines, it makes sense that your sexual desire does, too.

Vaginal dryness = loss of libido

I cannot stress this enough: vaginal dryness can be absolute agony.

As your oestrogen levels dip, the blood flow to the vagina reduces. This makes arousal difficult and general lubrication fewer and further between. This can lead to pain during sex which can cause a mental blockage, reducing overall libido over time.

Emotional health impacts libido and the menopause

Anxiety, depression, mood swings and sudden rage are all extremely common emotional side effects of perimenopause and menopause. They are often caused by the changes to your hormones.

When you’re no longer hormonally balanced, stress and panic can set it and will often override sexual desire.

Loss of confidence can cause a loss of libido

Another reason why your sex drive may have decreased during perimenopause and menopause is due to a loss of self-esteem and confidence.

Weight gain, for example, is a super common symptom of perimenopause and menopause, also usually caused by fluctuating hormones. It can be disheartening to gain weight – especially if you have never struggled with weight gain before – when you’re eating all the same foods and exercising routinely. When this causes a loss of self-esteem and confidence, it can have a knock-on effect on our desire.

On top of this, it’s common to see hair and nail breakage, on top of skin breakouts. While these can be controlled with various strategies, they can also work in tandem to create a confidence crash.

Libido and the menopause – how many women experience a loss of sex drive?

Having worked with hundreds of perimenopausal and menopausal women myself, a loss of libido is one of the more common reports.

Studies show that 40 – 55% of women experience low sexual desire in perimenopause and menopause.

A further 25 – 30% of these women experienced poor lubrication, too.

With this in mind, if you’re wondering if you’re the only one to struggle with libido and the menopause, know that you’re absolutely not alone.

How to handle libido and the menopause

The first thing to note about handling libido and the menopause is that there’s no magic pill for women. While men can take viagra, women are a little stuck, searching for ways to boost their sex drive.

This is the case simply because every woman is different. Sex is a complicated topic as it means something unique and provokes different feelings in everyone.

It’s all about testing and trialling, working out what works for you and your relationship dynamic.

So, with that in mind, here are some strategies you can experiment with.

1. Openly communicate with your partner(s)

While this conversation may seem daunting, it’s really important that you communicate openly with your partner(s).

Experiencing the effects of libido and the menopause isn’t easy. However, if your partner(s) is unaware of the challenges you are facing, it’s easy to start questioning what they have done wrong.

Explaining how you’re feeling and clarifying that it’s the menopause rather than your partner(s) will make all parties involved feel better. It improves connection, clarifies conceptions and allows your partner(s) to support you on this journey.

Communication is always critical.

2. Improve vaginal dryness first

Vaginal dryness is a lead culprit in a decrease of sex drive. It can be uncomfortable at best and debilitating at worst.

So, before attempting any type of penetration, it’s worth working on vaginal dryness outside of the bedroom first.

Remember, you should always speak with your doctor about vaginal dryness. While you’re waiting for your appointment, though, here are some strategies you can try.

Consume foods rich in phytoestrogens

Phytoestrogens are compounds found inside food which help to mirror the impact of oestrogen. As your oestrogen levels drop, replacing them with compounds that look, feel and act like them will help reduce the severity of your menopause symptoms, including vaginal dryness.

Foods that contain phytoestrogens include:

• Soy based foods
• Flaxseeds
• Chickpeas
• Sesame seeds
• Lentils

The effects of these food may be subtle, but over time you will likely feel the impact and experience less vaginal dryness.

Do your Kegals (pelvic floor exercises)

Kegals are pelvic floor exercises that help you improve circulation. If your circulation improves, often this encourages more natural vaginal lubrication to be produced. Plus, pelvic floor exercises are good for overall vaginal health. Happy vagina, happy woman!

If you’re finding sex or other methods of penetration uncomfortable, Kegals should help with this. By routinely doing your pelvic floor exercises, you’ll be strengthening muscle tone and sensitivity. This should, in time, reduce discomfort during penetration.

Take a look at the following YouTube post, which explores how to do Kegal exercises as a beginner:

Boost your vitamin E intake

Vitamin E has been known to hydrate and moisturise dry tissues. This is why it’s such a popular ingredient in the skincare field, helping with skin elasticity and moisture retention. It’s no wonder, then, why vitamin E is so good for vaginal dryness.

You can get vitamin E in the form of oral supplements or as a topical oil. If you’re using the topical oil, you can apply it directly but gently to the vulva.

That said, it’s really important that you let your doctor know before using any new supplements.

Ditch the perfumed products

If you’re suffering with vaginal dryness in perimenopause or menopause, your choice in soap and other products is absolutely crucial. What you choose can irritate and worsen your condition. On the flip side, if you choose the right products, you can feel a pretty swift and noticeable difference.

You’ll want to steer clear of perfumed and scented products, including soaps, feminine hygiene sprays and douches.

Instead, opt for fragrance-free products for sensitive areas. Always opt for a sensitive product if possible.

Stay hydrated

Water is critical for almost every menopause symptom, but even more so for women suffering from vaginal dryness.

When you drink water and hydrate your body, you’re also helping to hydrate your vaginal tissues.

Dehydration leads to the worsening of vaginal dryness because there’s not enough moisture inside your body to create natural vaginal lubricant.

So, make sure you’re drinking plenty of water. While doing so, it may be time to ditch the caffeine and alcohol, which can dehydrate your body further.

3. Make the time to relax

It can be difficult to find time for yourself. With work pressures, keeping the household together, looking after kids and generally trying to live a normal life, self care time can come pretty low on your list of priorities.

While that’s understandable, don’t fall into the trap of thinking self-care is an option, especially at this phase of life.

If you’ve been trying to work out the tie between a decrease in libido and the menopause and you’re trying to boost your sex drive, you must make some time for your own relaxation.

Consistency is key. I’d recommend a minimum of 20 minutes of relaxation time per day.

How you relax is completely up to you. Here are some suggestions for how to spend your me-time. Just make sure that’s what it is and you’re uninterrupted.

• Meditation
• Journalling
• Yoga (in a class or at home)
• Bubble baths
• Reading
• Going for a walk
• Listening to a podcast or music
• Exercising
• Playing a musical instrument (I find that singing helps me relax)
• Colouring in
• Gardening

4. Lube, lube and more lube

When you’re ready to try any sexual activity – whether you’re by yourself or with someone – lube is your very best friend.

You’ll want to pick a lubricant that is non-scented. While there are different kinds of lube, the recommended ones are either water based or silicone based.

There are oil based lubricants, too, and they do absolutely last longer than water or silicone based lubes. However, make sure you’re careful with the oil-based lubricant you’re buying. Ingredients can worsen vaginal dryness, so make sure you’re choosing a natural, fragrance-free one.

For safety, I’d recommend a water-based lubricant. You may need to keep reapplying as water-based lubes dry up quicker, but they are the least likely to irritate the vulva and make vaginal discomfort worse.

5. Use a toy or two

In today’s world, bringing a toy into the bedroom is generally well-received and accepted, and it’ll help with your pleasure if you’re struggling.

Vibrators are an excellent tool when working on libido and the menopause. You can order them from home so there’s no need to look someone in the eye in a shop, and they can be used with or without a partner.

Remember, this journey is all about bringing pleasure back into your life, reminding your brain that sex is not about pain or discomfort. If a toy helps you communicate this, absolutely use it.

6. Self love is just as good (for some, even better!)

Sometimes, sexual interaction with a partner can add a little bit of pressure, even if that’s never the intent. This added pressure can cause sex to be more uncomfortable as you’re worrying about how your partner is feeling rather than your own pleasure. Getting stuck in your own head is a common problem for all sexes.

With that in mind, spend some time solo! Explore yourself without any pressure, knowing full well that it isn’t about orgasm or anyone else’s pleasure but your own. This will help you relax and, when you’re ready for sex with a partner(s), you’ll be able to unwind easier. Plus, bonus points for communicating your pleasure points to your partner!

7. Focus on the build up

Foreplay begins long before anyone is even touched. Explore what increases your libido and communicate this to your partner(s). Whether it’s exchanging flirty texts or photos, dancing together or talking about what comes next, lean into anything that creates sexual tension and excitement.

When you do move onto physical foreplay, take your time. Don’t rush to penetration. A massage, for example, is a great way to relax, be grounded and ensure you’re present in the moment with physical touch.

This isn’t a race. Breathe deeply and openly communicate.

Libido and the menopause – in a nutshell

For many women, changes to libido and the menopause seem to come hand in hand. Some find that their sex drive increases, while most find a decrease in desire and libido.

Your changing hormones are responsible for this, creating symptoms like vaginal dryness and itching, plus emotional imbalances resulting in anxiety, mood swings and even depression. Together, they all have an impact on your sex drive.

Everyone is different, and each strategy will be unique to you. However, embrace experimenting. Always communicate openly with your partner(s) about how you’re feeling physically and emotionally.

When it comes to libido and menopause – it’s all about finding what works for you. Whether that’s more solo play, using toys or extended foreplay is completely your call. Just make sure you’re helping yourself with anti- vaginal dryness strategies, keeping yourself hydrated, and finding the time you need to relax.

And know this – even if you are experiencing an all time low in terms of sex drive – this will pass with time. Until then, though, why not try some of the strategies in this post!